Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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