just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's just like the Real World with babies
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
