I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
