Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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