I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
