I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
