Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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