This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
