I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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