I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
