my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
