I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
