dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
