this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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