Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
