So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
