I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
