JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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