Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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