when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
