They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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