Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
