Girls should come with a carfax report
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
