I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
