There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
