So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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