I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
