broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sorry about my life...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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