I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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