So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
