i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
