cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
