Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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