I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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