Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
