I'm lost and stupid without you.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
