Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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