Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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