I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
