Buhtt sex?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
