Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
