So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
