I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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