6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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