theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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