I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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