I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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