I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
