I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
