she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
