Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
