i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
