Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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