Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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