I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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