theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you didnt know i had herpes?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
