May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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