I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
