Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
