1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I use my feet as sexual weapons
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
