in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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