I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
