The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
