i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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