guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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