HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
