Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
