apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
