Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
