I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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