Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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